Whose Talking About This?

What do the horny do for Christmas?
Man, I'm in trouble. I have come close to letting an issue turn into a situation. I plan to get it together before it becomes an issuation.

One of the major reasons I married at all was due to my libido. I have a high personal integrity and when I saw how my attitude towards sex would eventually get me in trouble; I began looking for someone to marry. My husband loved being my sexual play thing. I had that for 27 years. These last two years have been hell.

Now, the issue is I'm feeling like I did when I first recognized my sexual organs at 15. That throbbing and yearning, etc. This sinner is going to fold under this pressure. My mind has been telling "NO!" over the last two years. Now my body is screaming, "YES!"

It is done!

The Reality of Aging

This issue of aging will not be something I will consciously allow to become a situation. The reality of aging is chasing me down. My mind feels so free and ready, but when I go to move; my body halts and the pain sets in reminding me I am half a century old.

Had I not been an active person I may not be suffering as much as I am. I'd probably give in to the pain and just sit around feeling sorry for myself. I will not do it. I love living and feeling alive. I refuse to give into the horrific pain I sometimes encounter after doing things that would not have affected me at all just three years ago.

I believe we are not meant to do a lot of the things we do. Then the added strain of being overweight most of my life has only added insult to injury. I have whipped my body.As I sit here with a heating pad on my spine, and think about how good it feels; I chuckle. The reality of the matter, of the fact is I am aging.

Why Black Women Are Not Marriageable: Part Two

What does it mean to be agreeable?

 Agreeableness is a learned quality. No one really wants to compromise, not even on little things. But when it comes to marriage whose success requires the couple reach an understanding, having a spirit of agreeableness is the only way for it to really work.

A spirit of agreeableness opens you up to other possibilities. Agreeableness is not the same as letting someone walk over you, or not being able to voice your opinion. When you have a spirit of agreeableness you approach each situation with your spouse with the mindset that you want the outcome to be as close to win/win, as possible for the both of you.

Many black women have it in their mind that they know what is right for those they come in contact with, especially their husbands. Often men are bombarded with demands, expectations, and requests that are out of line. Some men try to fulfill the needs of these women, some try to reason, some leave. No matter what the case, the relationship usually ends. It ends because an understanding was not reachable. Marriage cannot survive in a real way without the couple learning to agree with each other, or at least agreeing to disagree.    

Picking your battles!

Choosing what to fight about can help you on your journey towards becoming more agreeable. Guess what? You really don’t have to fight about every little thing. There is a level of pettiness that enters into relationships when there is a lack of an agreement. The marriage and how it is run is usually a free-for-all, the wife doing her thing, and the husband doing his. For some couples, this works, but for the majority of us, it doesn’t.

When we were first married, my husband and I disagreed a lot. I couldn’t understand why he thought the way he did and I felt like I needed to at least understand his process. Sometimes his explanations were way out there and I just rejected him completely. I could not allow him to have his own thought process. Somehow, I felt like since I loved him, he should be more like me. He should at least think the way I do after all he wants to be with me.

Well, the best thing that ever happened to me was learning to let him have his thoughts and the way he figures out the world. I stopped demanding he think the way I do and do what I think he should do. He still has a problem with this when it comes to me, but you know what, since I have developed a spirit of agreeableness, I no longer get mad when I can tell he is trying to control me. Instead, I listen, then choose whether I want to address whatever he said that didn’t sit well with me, then I say what I need to say, or perform whatever action I feel is necessary.

Recognize your communication style differences

I can tell you without even knowing you that the man in your life, or the one you may have had in your life, is not like you. He doesn’t think like you, he wasn’t raised like you, but most importantly his maleness is a sure sign he does not communicate the way you do. Black women’s lack of ability to be agreeable makes it even harder for them to recognize the fact that men are cut from a different cloth. They are not meant to be us. They are meant for us to discover.

You cannot discover if you already know everything. This is where the biggest problems lie. Women thinking they know everything. I have found the less educated a woman is, or the more she has monetarily, she is likely to be more disagreeable.

Stephanie Booth wrote an article published on MSN in the Lifestyle section 2/4/10, They’re Golden: Together for 50+ Years and Still In Love. She interviewed Betty and Louis Chernoff. Louis is quoted as saying, “Our clocks click exactly the same. Whenever Betty wants to do something, I want to do it, too.”

That’s how it has to be if you want to stay together. All that bantering and the little fights might seem fun in the beginning, but after a while they get old. You just want to get along. You just want some peace. A disagreeable soul is NEVER at peace. They are most often upset about this, that or the other for whatever reason.

Some things our men do are just things males do. If you and your friends are complaining about the exact same things, you should take a step back and realize it has to be a male thing, because other than being male, all men are not alike.

Do What You Need to Do For Yourself

Most often these women are stressed out to the max. They are not doing what they need to do for themselves. They have all these expectations for others, but will tend to let themselves slide when it comes to doing what is in their best interest.   These women cannot be held accountable. They often refuse to look at themselves in situations they often create. These women are unmarriageable.

Why Black Women Are Not Marriage: Part One

There will be a lot of women mad at me by the end of this piece; especially black women. I will risk the anger to tell the truth. Simply put, many women, but particularly black women are not marriageable.

 Marry, as with many words, has several meanings listed in the dictionary. According the American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, definition number two reads: “To combine or blend agreeably.”

Agreeably, agreeable, agree, if I am to be honest most black women I know have the tendency to be disagreeable on some level. When it comes to whether a man is going to choose you or not, and he doesn’t, it very well may be because you display signs of being disagreeable.

Agree -- To grant consent; accede. 2. To come into or be in accord, as of opinion. 3. To be of one opinion; concur. 4. To come to an understanding or to terms.

Wow! Be honest. How close do you come to being agreeable with anyone throughout your day? How often do you agree with yourself? We contradict ourselves all the time. Women gripe about the phrase, “Boys will be boys.” But we have one just as bad, “It is a woman’s prerogative to change her mind.” This statement was undoubtedly born out of some man’s frustration to understand the fickle nature of his woman.

Dr. Boyce Watkins, publisher of the website www.thegrio.com, wrote an article Single Black Women Should End the Blame Game. He wrote: “We know the story: over 70% of all African-American women don’t have husbands. That is a tragedy for the entire family, especially the children. “

It truly is a tragedy and one that can be turned around with some sisters accepting this wake-up call. Most people can’t see themselves. In a lot of ways black women have been given a huge pass both historically and presently. We have always been allowed to work, whereas black men have been kept out of the workforce one way or the other. This factor alone is enough to cause friction in a marriage, but an enlightened couple could overcome the obstacles of social castration. This will not happen if they cannot come to an understanding.

This “pass” I mentioned earlier that black women have been given has served to create a group of women who taunt men with the phrase, “I can do bad all by myself.” They sing it like an anthem all day, then cry to their friend, family, or in their pillows because they cannot find a man willing to marry them.  

It is not that we roll our necks, or yell sometimes, or how much money we spend, etc. that keeps us single, it truly is our seemingly inability to learn to at the least agree to disagree. Most often many women seek to have “their way.” Oh, yeah, you believe you are right and you know what? Being a women I to dare say we are right a lot. Even if you are right 50% of the time, there is still another 50%. What many women do is ignore the possibility their opinion falls within the 50% that is wrong. They want to be right at all cost; even if it means not having a father for their children, sleeping alone, paying all the bills, doing all the laundry, cooking all the food, going to all the conferences, and so on.

These are the superwomen who die from heartache disguised as heart disease. They become bitter and live their lives blaming the lack of a man for their unproductive lives, when in reality it was because they did not learn how to become agreeable, that they were unmarriageable.

I know black men do not understand why they have a hard time with us. They have seen these superwomen do things they could never imagine, yet, they still have a sense that something is amiss. Even though they love their superwomen grandmothers and mothers, they may shy away from women who display their qualities, especially if they are the type who believe their opinion is always right and they know what is best for everyone they come in contact with.

The fact these women are this way with everyone sometimes gives the impression they are being authentic. It is just the opposite. These women are often scattered, unable to finish projects, fatigued, lonely and angry. Because they cannot agree with anyone’s opinion except their own, they find themselves isolated, not only from potential husbands, but family members and others. Show me a superwoman and I’ll show you a Lone Ranger. They might seemingly be there to save the day, but not really because whoever they help better be ready to do it their way, or they just may not receive help, or wish they didn’t because they’ll have to hear about it forever.

Dr. Watkins continues: “I’m sorry if this hurts your feelings, but I’ve got to be real. Most kind, attractive, intelligent women are able to find good husbands. Some of us spend our lives either barking up the wrong trees or barking in a way that sabotages our objectives.”

He is right. For many of us, our bark is just a preview of our bite. Some of us can be harsh, and yes, if you want to stay in the natural, you do have a lot of reasons to be angry. Just with the daily pressures of being a black woman, you can justify your anger, but as a human being, a Christian as many of you are, you do not have the right to bulldoze others with your opinions, wants, needs, and desires.

Most of the women who are not marriage material have been through numerous failed relationships. They may have actually started out “kind, attractive, intelligent women,” but let their poor choice of men make them bitter and resentful. Some of them torture their children, who God help them, “Look just like your daddy.” Some turn to drink, or drugs, or continue the downward spiral of wrong man, wrong time.

Then there are the women who have never really allowed themselves to love another fully. They want relationships and will try to get next to love without getting involved. They can be committed, but will never fully commit. These are the women who usually have the good jobs, and money. They are guarding their things, while pretending to be guarding their hearts.

We all know the woman who wants her man to have everything. She will brag and boast to her friends how she had to buy him this, that and the other because he didn’t have anything. She’ll show him the world, introduce him to all the right people, and most likely is just what he wants in bed. But when it comes to him having his own life, he is cut short, and if he doesn’t tow the line, cut off. She’ll cry to her friends how he took advantage of her and she had to put him out because he wasn’t right. When in reality, he probably wanted to go a game with his buddies and she didn’t want him to go. He went anyway and she took that as complete rejection. These women are scary.

And of course, no about black women would be complete without talking about the battered wife. Although the syndrome is real, and it usually has its roots in the woman’s childhood, there still is an aspect of the battered woman’s personality that people just can’t seem to grasp. People always ask, “Why do they stay?” For some they stay because they really think they can control the man. Many of these women started out as dominate in the relationship, or so they man let them believe, then one day she wanted to do for someone other than him, and he snaps. You see this with couples who dated in high school and married young.

It is out of arrogance and egotism of the worse kind when a woman feels she is the only one who understands or can care for a man, especially when he is beating you daily. In the worse twisted way, many of these women really feel they understand these guys. The man only plays on the woman’s desire to be superwoman. Whereas some superwomen are super angry, some are super passive, but have learned to use their passive natures in a way that is unhealthy for them. These women choose men who continue to fulfill their desire to be the martyr of the family. They are the ones who take on all the burden and pain. They will say, “I just wanted us to be a family. I know he really loves me and the kids.”

The black woman’s seemingly inability to learn to agree to disagree will keep her single and unhappy.