What does it mean to be
agreeable?
Agreeableness
is a learned quality. No one really wants to compromise, not even on little
things. But when it comes to marriage whose success requires the couple reach
an understanding, having a spirit of agreeableness is the only way for it to
really work.
A spirit of agreeableness opens you up to other
possibilities. Agreeableness is not the same as letting someone walk over you,
or not being able to voice your opinion. When you have a spirit of
agreeableness you approach each situation with your spouse with the mindset
that you want the outcome to be as close to win/win, as possible for the both
of you.
Many black women have it in their mind that they know
what is right for those they come in contact with, especially their husbands.
Often men are bombarded with demands, expectations, and requests that are out
of line. Some men try to fulfill the needs of these women, some try to reason,
some leave. No matter what the case, the relationship usually ends. It ends
because an understanding was not reachable. Marriage cannot survive in a real
way without the couple learning to agree with each other, or at least agreeing
to disagree.
Picking your battles!
Choosing what to fight about can help you on your
journey towards becoming more agreeable. Guess what? You really don’t have to
fight about every little thing. There is a level of pettiness that enters into
relationships when there is a lack of an agreement. The marriage and how it is run
is usually a free-for-all, the wife doing her thing, and the husband doing his.
For some couples, this works, but for the majority of us, it doesn’t.
When we were first married, my husband and I disagreed
a lot. I couldn’t understand why he thought the way he did and I felt like I
needed to at least understand his process. Sometimes his explanations were way
out there and I just rejected him completely. I could not allow him to have his
own thought process. Somehow, I felt like since I loved him, he should be more
like me. He should at least think the way I do after all he wants to be with
me.
Well, the best thing that ever happened to me was
learning to let him have his thoughts and the way he figures out the world. I
stopped demanding he think the way I do and do what I think he should do. He
still has a problem with this when it comes to me, but you know what, since I
have developed a spirit of agreeableness, I no longer get mad when I can tell
he is trying to control me. Instead, I listen, then choose whether I want to
address whatever he said that didn’t sit well with me, then I say what I need
to say, or perform whatever action I feel is necessary.
Recognize your
communication style differences
I can tell you without even knowing you that the man
in your life, or the one you may have had in your life, is not like you. He
doesn’t think like you, he wasn’t raised like you, but most importantly his
maleness is a sure sign he does not communicate the way you do. Black women’s
lack of ability to be agreeable makes it even harder for them to recognize the fact that
men are cut from a different cloth. They are not meant to be us. They are meant
for us to discover.
You cannot discover if you already know everything.
This is where the biggest problems lie. Women thinking they know everything. I
have found the less educated a woman is, or the more she has monetarily, she is
likely to be more disagreeable.
Stephanie Booth wrote an article published on MSN in
the Lifestyle section 2/4/10, They’re
Golden: Together for 50+ Years and Still In Love. She interviewed Betty and
Louis Chernoff. Louis is quoted as saying, “Our clocks click exactly the same.
Whenever Betty wants to do something, I want to do it, too.”
That’s how it has to be if you want to stay together.
All that bantering and the little fights might seem fun in the beginning, but
after a while they get old. You just want to get along. You just want some
peace. A disagreeable soul is NEVER at peace. They are most often upset about
this, that or the other for whatever reason.
Some things our men do are just things males do. If
you and your friends are complaining about the exact same things, you should
take a step back and realize it has to be a male thing, because other than
being male, all men are not alike.
Do What You Need to Do
For Yourself
Most often these women are stressed out to the max.
They are not doing what they need to do for themselves. They have all these
expectations for others, but will tend to let themselves slide when it comes to
doing what is in their best interest. These women cannot be held accountable. They
often refuse to look at themselves in situations they often create. These women
are unmarriageable.
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