Looks are Deceiving

A co-worker made the suggestion that I should get on the dating site Tinder. This site is only for those who would choose a person just by how they look. You do not write anything about yourself. You only make a match based on whether you are attracted by what you see. I told her there was no way I would subject myself to the site based on outward appearances.

There is such two-faced-ness going on in the world of dating. I believe it is done to hide the desperation so many feel when it comes to having someone in their lives. As we journey through life, we began to obtain and desire. Once we desire someone in our lives, we often will feel the need for it to happen immediately. We rely on our eyes and forget that it is the heart that will be required for a relationship to last.

I'm good. I'm waiting on David.

Forever Penis: Part One

After reading the book, "Why Men Fake IT: The Totally Surprising Truth About Men and Health," written by Abraham Morgentaler, MD.  I learned something. My perspective regarding the issue of male erectile dysfunction will allow me to be more compassionate towards the male species. It is pretty clear from the beginning of the book, Dr. Morgentaler has written this book to try to bring the sexes together, but most of all to educate men about what 40% of them will experience as they age.

"This book is about the fascinating, rich , nuanced and surprising world of men and sexuality." Let's deal with the title first. Yes, there are men who can fake an orgasm. Their reasons vary of course and range from being tired of having sex, being stressed out and taking certain medications.

David, was a 28 year old engineer who couldn't have an orgasm inside a woman. He was able to maintain an erection for a long time during sex and became somewhat of a stud. He began faking an orgasm because his girlfriend began to feel inadequate because she could not make him climax. He could tell her being able to help him release himself was attached to her self-esteem. After an examination proved there was nothing physically wrong with him, the doctor questioned him until he found out David's first experience achieving an orgasm had made an impenetrable impression on his sexual brain. When David was 12, he lay on a bed in Paris face down. The aroma of the French perfume was extremely feminine to him as he rubbed his penis against the sheets until he unexpectedly experienced his first orgasm.

The doctor prescribed a visit to the department store to by French perfume. He told David to let his girlfriend get on top. That way she was provide the friction he required to achieve an orgasm. On his next visit, David reported he was able to achieve an orgasm inside her vagina and he and his girl were happy.

The doctor used this story not only to prove men can successfully fake an orgasm, but also that sex is as much mental as physical. Another man admitted that if he has too much alcohol he has a problem reaching an orgasm. He said that if he can tell he is not going to come, he will then fake it.
"After a while I pretend it happened and we both go to sleep."
One man said, "It' s funny you ask. I've never told anyone this, but last year I sold my business, and my doctor prescribed an antidepressant. I'm off it now, but that medication made it really difficult for me to ejaculate. I faked it with my wife."

The doctor makes a  point that if you take David's reason for faking it, as truth (he said he faked orgasms for this benefit of his girlfriend) he fake it because he wanted her to feel good about herself. The doctor says his gesture was considerate and kind. He goes on to say there will be those who will say David was doing it for his own benefit. He adds, "If trying to maintain a relationship is selfish," who among us would be able to honestly plead "not guilty?"

List of ways to fake an orgasm

• Think about death
• Imagine having sex with your mother
• Causing themselves pain during sex
• Bending their toes against the bedpost.
• Biting their forearms

Emotional Withdrawal

The doctor states, "One of the great misconceptions of male sexuality is that men are only concerned with their own orgasm."

Many woman have felt this way throughout the centuries. Remember, the doctor's patients are mainly men who are in relationships, or trying to be. He says, "Men fell awful if they believe they have sexually disappointed their partner."

I now know and understand my husband's premature ejaculations were the symptoms of the diabetes, high blood pressure and cardiovascular disease that eventually took his life. At the time, due to simple lack of knowledge, I would be upset, feeling lonely, sometimes crying my horny little eyes out. The brother really way doing the best he could do.

Sal's story is a sad one. He cried in the doctor's office when he told the doctor about a conversation he had with his wife of 21 years. She told Sal she had never had an orgasm with him during sex. "All the time I thought everything was okay, that I was giving her pleasure. I never knew. I'm nothing now. I can't even call myself a man."
                                                                                                                                                                    Sal admitted to taking his bad days at work out on his wife after telling the doctor he wife said he was "too rough with her."

Her needs were changing and she was asking for something different than what they had been experiencing. He admitted that during the time they have been married they never talked about sex and he never asked her what she meant by being too rough with her. He assumed she meant during sex so he stopped having sex with her. She began to accuse him of having an affair. Sal went to the doctor because the real reason is he felt inadequate as a man because he found out she had never had an orgasm.

Studies have reported that between 15 and 25% of women in the U. S. are anorgasmic, (unable to achieve an orgasm). Those who do rarely achieve it through intercourse. They require hands on or lips on, or something on their clitoris to achieve an orgasm.

The doctor says over and over again men feel less than men when they come too quick, do not please their partner.

After reading this book, I have found another reason to love the man who taught me how to love. As he became completely impotent, he grew more physically available to me. Early in our relationship; every touch turned to sex. He began to show me more affection. He would hold me and even let me fall asleep in his arms a few times.

Several of the stories were disturbing to me to find out that there are men out their who identify so with their penises that when they begin to have problems they completely stop touching or holding their partners. One man literally said he didn't want to lead his wife on. If he touched her, or kissed her or even played with her like he used to do, it was not fair to her because he could not perform. She was bragging about how he would come behind her affectingly, play with her, hold her hand thinking he was being intimate, when all they time he was expecting sex. He withdrew all emotion because he couldn't handle his penis not staying hard.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                


f

A Woman Cannot Raise A Man

No matter how you slice it, a woman cannot successfully rear a male child into his maleness. Maleness is a given factor that women do not understand and must discover to even be able to tolerate the presence of men. This lack of understanding has ruined a lot of relationships and lives of little boys.

Unfortunately, this issue has become an issuation and only serves to destroy families. So many folk have divorced because they simply did not recognize the gender differences that cannot be changed. Yes, men think differently than women and vice versa. Until both sexes accept and respect this, we will continue to have a high rate of divorce.

Cheating is often given as the a reason for many divorces in this country. The number is unimaginable when it comes to how many women throughout history have been cheated on when they were pregnant. On the surface we can challenge a man's character, or we can accept that society and lack of knowledge often creates an environment where cheating can arise.

Example: Lack of Knowledge

How many people do you know who believe the baby can be touched during sexual intercourse? If you believe this, you man or woman, is not going to want to do anything to hurt the fetus. No sex for these folks, or at least the woman. The man will use his belief that he should never be without sex, or that he cannot control his sexual appetite to cheat on his wife.

Example: Societal Pressure

How many people do you know who think pregnant women are sacred and should not be sexually active? These people, men and women, Use the condition to pull away during a time when they should be drawing closer. It has only been in the last 25 years that women have been revealing their protruding stomachs. There was a time they tried not to be seen in public.

My point is this, we must delve into the origin of these things that keep us from understanding the opposite sex, even with understanding, without compassion for the opposite sex change will not come about. So many single mothers are bitter when it comes to men that they often unintentionally burden their male children with challenge of becoming a man on his own because she can barely think of men without becoming hostile. How do you think that resonates to the soul of a young man trying to become a man? To see the mother whom he loves dearly cringe at the sound of his father's name, or any other man she has claimed to love. This hurts and confuses him.

I encourage women who do not have male figures in their son's lives to do all they can to make it happen. Stop hiding behind having to work as a reason not to parent. Often the reason you are alone is of your own making, whether you accept it or not. Your male child deserves a chance in this world and he will be better suited if he has a decent male role model to help guide him.

Why Black Women Are Not Marriage: Part One

There will be a lot of women mad at me by the end of this piece; especially black women. I will risk the anger to tell the truth. Simply put, many women, but particularly black women are not marriageable.

 Marry, as with many words, has several meanings listed in the dictionary. According the American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, definition number two reads: “To combine or blend agreeably.”

Agreeably, agreeable, agree, if I am to be honest most black women I know have the tendency to be disagreeable on some level. When it comes to whether a man is going to choose you or not, and he doesn’t, it very well may be because you display signs of being disagreeable.

Agree -- To grant consent; accede. 2. To come into or be in accord, as of opinion. 3. To be of one opinion; concur. 4. To come to an understanding or to terms.

Wow! Be honest. How close do you come to being agreeable with anyone throughout your day? How often do you agree with yourself? We contradict ourselves all the time. Women gripe about the phrase, “Boys will be boys.” But we have one just as bad, “It is a woman’s prerogative to change her mind.” This statement was undoubtedly born out of some man’s frustration to understand the fickle nature of his woman.

Dr. Boyce Watkins, publisher of the website www.thegrio.com, wrote an article Single Black Women Should End the Blame Game. He wrote: “We know the story: over 70% of all African-American women don’t have husbands. That is a tragedy for the entire family, especially the children. “

It truly is a tragedy and one that can be turned around with some sisters accepting this wake-up call. Most people can’t see themselves. In a lot of ways black women have been given a huge pass both historically and presently. We have always been allowed to work, whereas black men have been kept out of the workforce one way or the other. This factor alone is enough to cause friction in a marriage, but an enlightened couple could overcome the obstacles of social castration. This will not happen if they cannot come to an understanding.

This “pass” I mentioned earlier that black women have been given has served to create a group of women who taunt men with the phrase, “I can do bad all by myself.” They sing it like an anthem all day, then cry to their friend, family, or in their pillows because they cannot find a man willing to marry them.  

It is not that we roll our necks, or yell sometimes, or how much money we spend, etc. that keeps us single, it truly is our seemingly inability to learn to at the least agree to disagree. Most often many women seek to have “their way.” Oh, yeah, you believe you are right and you know what? Being a women I to dare say we are right a lot. Even if you are right 50% of the time, there is still another 50%. What many women do is ignore the possibility their opinion falls within the 50% that is wrong. They want to be right at all cost; even if it means not having a father for their children, sleeping alone, paying all the bills, doing all the laundry, cooking all the food, going to all the conferences, and so on.

These are the superwomen who die from heartache disguised as heart disease. They become bitter and live their lives blaming the lack of a man for their unproductive lives, when in reality it was because they did not learn how to become agreeable, that they were unmarriageable.

I know black men do not understand why they have a hard time with us. They have seen these superwomen do things they could never imagine, yet, they still have a sense that something is amiss. Even though they love their superwomen grandmothers and mothers, they may shy away from women who display their qualities, especially if they are the type who believe their opinion is always right and they know what is best for everyone they come in contact with.

The fact these women are this way with everyone sometimes gives the impression they are being authentic. It is just the opposite. These women are often scattered, unable to finish projects, fatigued, lonely and angry. Because they cannot agree with anyone’s opinion except their own, they find themselves isolated, not only from potential husbands, but family members and others. Show me a superwoman and I’ll show you a Lone Ranger. They might seemingly be there to save the day, but not really because whoever they help better be ready to do it their way, or they just may not receive help, or wish they didn’t because they’ll have to hear about it forever.

Dr. Watkins continues: “I’m sorry if this hurts your feelings, but I’ve got to be real. Most kind, attractive, intelligent women are able to find good husbands. Some of us spend our lives either barking up the wrong trees or barking in a way that sabotages our objectives.”

He is right. For many of us, our bark is just a preview of our bite. Some of us can be harsh, and yes, if you want to stay in the natural, you do have a lot of reasons to be angry. Just with the daily pressures of being a black woman, you can justify your anger, but as a human being, a Christian as many of you are, you do not have the right to bulldoze others with your opinions, wants, needs, and desires.

Most of the women who are not marriage material have been through numerous failed relationships. They may have actually started out “kind, attractive, intelligent women,” but let their poor choice of men make them bitter and resentful. Some of them torture their children, who God help them, “Look just like your daddy.” Some turn to drink, or drugs, or continue the downward spiral of wrong man, wrong time.

Then there are the women who have never really allowed themselves to love another fully. They want relationships and will try to get next to love without getting involved. They can be committed, but will never fully commit. These are the women who usually have the good jobs, and money. They are guarding their things, while pretending to be guarding their hearts.

We all know the woman who wants her man to have everything. She will brag and boast to her friends how she had to buy him this, that and the other because he didn’t have anything. She’ll show him the world, introduce him to all the right people, and most likely is just what he wants in bed. But when it comes to him having his own life, he is cut short, and if he doesn’t tow the line, cut off. She’ll cry to her friends how he took advantage of her and she had to put him out because he wasn’t right. When in reality, he probably wanted to go a game with his buddies and she didn’t want him to go. He went anyway and she took that as complete rejection. These women are scary.

And of course, no about black women would be complete without talking about the battered wife. Although the syndrome is real, and it usually has its roots in the woman’s childhood, there still is an aspect of the battered woman’s personality that people just can’t seem to grasp. People always ask, “Why do they stay?” For some they stay because they really think they can control the man. Many of these women started out as dominate in the relationship, or so they man let them believe, then one day she wanted to do for someone other than him, and he snaps. You see this with couples who dated in high school and married young.

It is out of arrogance and egotism of the worse kind when a woman feels she is the only one who understands or can care for a man, especially when he is beating you daily. In the worse twisted way, many of these women really feel they understand these guys. The man only plays on the woman’s desire to be superwoman. Whereas some superwomen are super angry, some are super passive, but have learned to use their passive natures in a way that is unhealthy for them. These women choose men who continue to fulfill their desire to be the martyr of the family. They are the ones who take on all the burden and pain. They will say, “I just wanted us to be a family. I know he really loves me and the kids.”

The black woman’s seemingly inability to learn to agree to disagree will keep her single and unhappy.    

Watch What You Ask For

One of the issues most people have is they ask for things whether they really know if they want them or not. No thought is put into their request so when they get what they want and find out they don't want it, depending on what it is, they are usually upset.

Then, they become the victim when they asked for what they didn't really need or want in the first place. This is one of the many issues that turn into situations leaving the person with an issuation.

The only way to stop this pattern is to know who you are. Self-awareness will stop you from asking for stuff you ultimately will not want or need. Self-reflection is the way to self-awareness. Reflecting on ones thoughts and actions can reveal to them the patterns that ruin their ability to maintain happiness, find joy and accept peace.

Unfortunately, we live in a world that tells us more is the answer; when in reality, having less is usually  the beginning of gaining more.

Watch what you ask for, you just may get it.

Magical Thinking

At any time we compare what we want in real life to a fairy tale, the is magical thinking. When we expect to get everything we need from our marital life, that is magical thinking. When we think our spouse should be able to read our minds, that is dangerous magical thinking. When we think our kids are perfect, just cause they are our kids, that is delusional magical thinking.

Magical thinking is when you make up scenarios that are not based in reality. Unfortunately, most of what constitute our lives is based on stuff we have read in books, saw on TV or grew up with. Very seldom are their people who try to discover alternative avenues for rearing their family they are stuck on the romance model of love and it is destroying our families. What is so ironic about this is that these people profess to be Christians whose mandate is to love unconditionally. We all know that romance has a multitude of conditions.

There may come a time when you are faced with reality and you will not be able to magically think your way out of or into a situation. Examples of being faced with reality: Spouse walking out and you feeling like you a were unaware of even the possibility it could happen. Children leaving home or acting out. Friends taking more liberties by bring up the faults with your current situation.

For most people, magical thinking is an issue that starts early in life as many of us, especially girls are for feed fairy lies from the moment we show interest in reading. Magical thinking is everywhere and in shows up in every aspect of life. Acceptance of what is, is the only cure to magical thinking. A true desire and willing not to lie to oneself is the only thing that will stop it in it's tracks.

Right now, it might just be an issue for some, but let that issue turn into a situation, then you are left with an issuation to undo. Examine the areas of your life where you may be lying to yourself. Go ahead, oftentimes others already see it before you do.