What It Really Means to Know Your Worth

Issues arise throughout the days of our lives. We actually go from one issue to another attending to some, ignoring others, or letting other people handle them. An issuation is born when an issue is allowed to turn into a situation. One particular issuation seems to plague many women and that is the issue of not knowing their worth.

I suffered from this greatly. I have done the work needed to maintain peace and joy in my life; I have come to understand  as a woman I am the greatest of all creatures. The Universe has trusted me with the ability to co-create. I can then nourish the creation and any other with my own body. I have the ability to share my life at the deepest level possible for mankind. I am woman.

Yet, for years I hated the very sight of me. I made decisions based on the belief that I was less than. Oh, but now that I know who I am and whose I am! I came very close to letting my lack of self-worth turn into an issuation. It did make it to situation status, but I was able to recognize the situation and back tracked to the issue, which turned out to be I had no idea of my worth.

When you know your worth, you do not deny the feeling in the pit of your stomach when you are about to do something that is not in your best interest. You no longer allow others to disrespect you, ignore you, or put you on their back burner. Knowing your worth will no longer allow you to be the whipping post for those with misdirected anger. You no longer desire to be around people who are harming themselves.

You stop trying to save others. Yes, we all have a light, but it is up to the individual where to let it shine. I chose marriage and motherhood. My light shown brightly throughout those years and I was able to help raise three beautiful, productive human beings. Our time is now. It is all we truly have. We must embrace ourselves and accept the challenges life brings us with grace and faith. We are worthy. We are women!

Looks are Deceiving

A co-worker made the suggestion that I should get on the dating site Tinder. This site is only for those who would choose a person just by how they look. You do not write anything about yourself. You only make a match based on whether you are attracted by what you see. I told her there was no way I would subject myself to the site based on outward appearances.

There is such two-faced-ness going on in the world of dating. I believe it is done to hide the desperation so many feel when it comes to having someone in their lives. As we journey through life, we began to obtain and desire. Once we desire someone in our lives, we often will feel the need for it to happen immediately. We rely on our eyes and forget that it is the heart that will be required for a relationship to last.

I'm good. I'm waiting on David.

Middle-aged Woman

What I like most about being an middle-aged women is you can play both sides of the fence for as long as your mind and or body holds out. Looking back at the position I held; I was in step with the teenagers. They hated they couldn't run no game on me. I still remembered all this little innuendo stuff that went on in high school and although a little modified, it was the same premise.

I attribute a lot of my youthfulness to my love for music, laughter, sex, and dancing. My oldest told me she would always know when my husband and I were making love because she would hear loud music and laughter. I am a joyful sex partner. I think sex is fun. Being middle-aged, tube tied, and menopausal; I honor my sexuality and am in total of control over with whom I share it with.

Middle age feels good to me. I feel as solid as I tried to portray in my early life. Now, I am that woman without hesitation. When I moved among others, I try to shrink, but my shoulders fly back, my head zips up and I just keep focused on where I am going.

I have decided to grow an Afro. Lawd, I am tender headed. I have not had hair for almost 23 years. It is time for a change. Heaven must be like this. This complete feeling of self-trust. The remembering of what the world made you forget. I keep reminding myself I am great and am an Empress, able to rule over my emotions, decipher my feelings and act appropriately in all occasions.

As with most everything in life, there is a downside to middle age. For me it has been the onset of Osteoarthritis, glaucoma and obesity. I cope.

I refuse to let any issue in my life become an issuation. Reaching middle age has taught me I can work it out.

Why Black Women Are Not Marriage: Part One

There will be a lot of women mad at me by the end of this piece; especially black women. I will risk the anger to tell the truth. Simply put, many women, but particularly black women are not marriageable.

 Marry, as with many words, has several meanings listed in the dictionary. According the American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, definition number two reads: “To combine or blend agreeably.”

Agreeably, agreeable, agree, if I am to be honest most black women I know have the tendency to be disagreeable on some level. When it comes to whether a man is going to choose you or not, and he doesn’t, it very well may be because you display signs of being disagreeable.

Agree -- To grant consent; accede. 2. To come into or be in accord, as of opinion. 3. To be of one opinion; concur. 4. To come to an understanding or to terms.

Wow! Be honest. How close do you come to being agreeable with anyone throughout your day? How often do you agree with yourself? We contradict ourselves all the time. Women gripe about the phrase, “Boys will be boys.” But we have one just as bad, “It is a woman’s prerogative to change her mind.” This statement was undoubtedly born out of some man’s frustration to understand the fickle nature of his woman.

Dr. Boyce Watkins, publisher of the website www.thegrio.com, wrote an article Single Black Women Should End the Blame Game. He wrote: “We know the story: over 70% of all African-American women don’t have husbands. That is a tragedy for the entire family, especially the children. “

It truly is a tragedy and one that can be turned around with some sisters accepting this wake-up call. Most people can’t see themselves. In a lot of ways black women have been given a huge pass both historically and presently. We have always been allowed to work, whereas black men have been kept out of the workforce one way or the other. This factor alone is enough to cause friction in a marriage, but an enlightened couple could overcome the obstacles of social castration. This will not happen if they cannot come to an understanding.

This “pass” I mentioned earlier that black women have been given has served to create a group of women who taunt men with the phrase, “I can do bad all by myself.” They sing it like an anthem all day, then cry to their friend, family, or in their pillows because they cannot find a man willing to marry them.  

It is not that we roll our necks, or yell sometimes, or how much money we spend, etc. that keeps us single, it truly is our seemingly inability to learn to at the least agree to disagree. Most often many women seek to have “their way.” Oh, yeah, you believe you are right and you know what? Being a women I to dare say we are right a lot. Even if you are right 50% of the time, there is still another 50%. What many women do is ignore the possibility their opinion falls within the 50% that is wrong. They want to be right at all cost; even if it means not having a father for their children, sleeping alone, paying all the bills, doing all the laundry, cooking all the food, going to all the conferences, and so on.

These are the superwomen who die from heartache disguised as heart disease. They become bitter and live their lives blaming the lack of a man for their unproductive lives, when in reality it was because they did not learn how to become agreeable, that they were unmarriageable.

I know black men do not understand why they have a hard time with us. They have seen these superwomen do things they could never imagine, yet, they still have a sense that something is amiss. Even though they love their superwomen grandmothers and mothers, they may shy away from women who display their qualities, especially if they are the type who believe their opinion is always right and they know what is best for everyone they come in contact with.

The fact these women are this way with everyone sometimes gives the impression they are being authentic. It is just the opposite. These women are often scattered, unable to finish projects, fatigued, lonely and angry. Because they cannot agree with anyone’s opinion except their own, they find themselves isolated, not only from potential husbands, but family members and others. Show me a superwoman and I’ll show you a Lone Ranger. They might seemingly be there to save the day, but not really because whoever they help better be ready to do it their way, or they just may not receive help, or wish they didn’t because they’ll have to hear about it forever.

Dr. Watkins continues: “I’m sorry if this hurts your feelings, but I’ve got to be real. Most kind, attractive, intelligent women are able to find good husbands. Some of us spend our lives either barking up the wrong trees or barking in a way that sabotages our objectives.”

He is right. For many of us, our bark is just a preview of our bite. Some of us can be harsh, and yes, if you want to stay in the natural, you do have a lot of reasons to be angry. Just with the daily pressures of being a black woman, you can justify your anger, but as a human being, a Christian as many of you are, you do not have the right to bulldoze others with your opinions, wants, needs, and desires.

Most of the women who are not marriage material have been through numerous failed relationships. They may have actually started out “kind, attractive, intelligent women,” but let their poor choice of men make them bitter and resentful. Some of them torture their children, who God help them, “Look just like your daddy.” Some turn to drink, or drugs, or continue the downward spiral of wrong man, wrong time.

Then there are the women who have never really allowed themselves to love another fully. They want relationships and will try to get next to love without getting involved. They can be committed, but will never fully commit. These are the women who usually have the good jobs, and money. They are guarding their things, while pretending to be guarding their hearts.

We all know the woman who wants her man to have everything. She will brag and boast to her friends how she had to buy him this, that and the other because he didn’t have anything. She’ll show him the world, introduce him to all the right people, and most likely is just what he wants in bed. But when it comes to him having his own life, he is cut short, and if he doesn’t tow the line, cut off. She’ll cry to her friends how he took advantage of her and she had to put him out because he wasn’t right. When in reality, he probably wanted to go a game with his buddies and she didn’t want him to go. He went anyway and she took that as complete rejection. These women are scary.

And of course, no about black women would be complete without talking about the battered wife. Although the syndrome is real, and it usually has its roots in the woman’s childhood, there still is an aspect of the battered woman’s personality that people just can’t seem to grasp. People always ask, “Why do they stay?” For some they stay because they really think they can control the man. Many of these women started out as dominate in the relationship, or so they man let them believe, then one day she wanted to do for someone other than him, and he snaps. You see this with couples who dated in high school and married young.

It is out of arrogance and egotism of the worse kind when a woman feels she is the only one who understands or can care for a man, especially when he is beating you daily. In the worse twisted way, many of these women really feel they understand these guys. The man only plays on the woman’s desire to be superwoman. Whereas some superwomen are super angry, some are super passive, but have learned to use their passive natures in a way that is unhealthy for them. These women choose men who continue to fulfill their desire to be the martyr of the family. They are the ones who take on all the burden and pain. They will say, “I just wanted us to be a family. I know he really loves me and the kids.”

The black woman’s seemingly inability to learn to agree to disagree will keep her single and unhappy.    

Watch What You Ask For

One of the issues most people have is they ask for things whether they really know if they want them or not. No thought is put into their request so when they get what they want and find out they don't want it, depending on what it is, they are usually upset.

Then, they become the victim when they asked for what they didn't really need or want in the first place. This is one of the many issues that turn into situations leaving the person with an issuation.

The only way to stop this pattern is to know who you are. Self-awareness will stop you from asking for stuff you ultimately will not want or need. Self-reflection is the way to self-awareness. Reflecting on ones thoughts and actions can reveal to them the patterns that ruin their ability to maintain happiness, find joy and accept peace.

Unfortunately, we live in a world that tells us more is the answer; when in reality, having less is usually  the beginning of gaining more.

Watch what you ask for, you just may get it.

Magical Thinking

At any time we compare what we want in real life to a fairy tale, the is magical thinking. When we expect to get everything we need from our marital life, that is magical thinking. When we think our spouse should be able to read our minds, that is dangerous magical thinking. When we think our kids are perfect, just cause they are our kids, that is delusional magical thinking.

Magical thinking is when you make up scenarios that are not based in reality. Unfortunately, most of what constitute our lives is based on stuff we have read in books, saw on TV or grew up with. Very seldom are their people who try to discover alternative avenues for rearing their family they are stuck on the romance model of love and it is destroying our families. What is so ironic about this is that these people profess to be Christians whose mandate is to love unconditionally. We all know that romance has a multitude of conditions.

There may come a time when you are faced with reality and you will not be able to magically think your way out of or into a situation. Examples of being faced with reality: Spouse walking out and you feeling like you a were unaware of even the possibility it could happen. Children leaving home or acting out. Friends taking more liberties by bring up the faults with your current situation.

For most people, magical thinking is an issue that starts early in life as many of us, especially girls are for feed fairy lies from the moment we show interest in reading. Magical thinking is everywhere and in shows up in every aspect of life. Acceptance of what is, is the only cure to magical thinking. A true desire and willing not to lie to oneself is the only thing that will stop it in it's tracks.

Right now, it might just be an issue for some, but let that issue turn into a situation, then you are left with an issuation to undo. Examine the areas of your life where you may be lying to yourself. Go ahead, oftentimes others already see it before you do.