Looks are Deceiving

A co-worker made the suggestion that I should get on the dating site Tinder. This site is only for those who would choose a person just by how they look. You do not write anything about yourself. You only make a match based on whether you are attracted by what you see. I told her there was no way I would subject myself to the site based on outward appearances.

There is such two-faced-ness going on in the world of dating. I believe it is done to hide the desperation so many feel when it comes to having someone in their lives. As we journey through life, we began to obtain and desire. Once we desire someone in our lives, we often will feel the need for it to happen immediately. We rely on our eyes and forget that it is the heart that will be required for a relationship to last.

I'm good. I'm waiting on David.

The Issuation? Caitlin/Bruce Jenner

One of the most important lessons I learned from staying married is people change. People's perception of themselves modifies. We evolve or we don't.

The Religious Folk

The religious folk are trying to speak for God as if they have any true idea of what God thinks. God,
already knew what Bruce Jenner was before he did. I ask all the Christians who proclaim, "God is unhappy, He is not pleased."
What if Bruce's journey is a test for those who do not have to walk it? What if, God wants to see if we can be non-judgmental, unbiased, open, loving, compassionate and understanding? These are the questions I NOW ask myself. As I remind myself, God already knew. So this can't be about the person not doing what they are doing, but it has to be about how I am going to deal with how I feel and what I believe about the situation, problem, dilemma, etc.

Tools (Some Men)

The language some men are using to describe their disgust over Bruce Jenner's decision to become Caitlin, a woman, bothers me immensely. One of my Facebook friends used the phrase, "damn woman," when referring to what Jenner wants to become. Another thought it utterly crazy that he would want to become a "woman."

What the hell is wrong with him feeling like a woman? It took one to help make him a man. After reading the book, "Why Men Fake It: The Truth About Men and Sex," by Abraham Morgentaler, MD; I have come to the real conclusion that men and woman are not as different as we obviously need to believe.

Seriously, the tone of some of these men would make you think Jenner was trying to become a Shark or something just as foreign to who he is as a person. I truly believe, personally, these men who respond like that have some jacked issues about sexuality and they are completely unattractive. Their disdain for the feminine is clear and their lack of understanding and compassion is shameful.

Both Parts

Not only does Jenner want to be a woman, he wants to keep his dick. He's really gonna make some folk happy. This is even more confusing to those who "just don't get it."  He likes dressing and looking like a woman, which has nothing to do with who he is sexually.

The Life!

Women have a life that some men never will enter or understand. Our abilities are vast and we are capable of so much more than the average man and are willing to go so much farther in our intimate, professional and intra-personal relationships. Why wouldn't a man who feels his feminine side more, not want to partake in the non-sexual aspects of womanhood? Bruce Jenner has shown he has the heart of a champion and his decision, to come from who he has been and step into who he wants to be is nothing less than courageous.

I applaud anyone who chooses themselves over the scorn and ridicule of the world. Each of us are miracles. Most of us were, at the least, in the running with hundreds of thousands of little sperm trying to become human.

With the killings and domestic violence going on in the world, one would think we would try to put some love out in the atmosphere. Instead, we continue to spew poisonous rhetoric, trying to talk for God, but at the same time claim to know that the plan has already been laid. You can't have it both ways. Whatever Jenner's reason is for becoming Caitlin; he has to live with them. Remember, what he eats does not make you fat. People change.

Forever Penis: Part Three

The Nitty Gritty

Ejaculation Versus Orgasm

Ejaculation and orgasm are separate biological events for men. According to the doctor, “Orgasm is the full-body experience of reaching that magic point of release.”

“Ejaculation, however, is the expulsion of the sexual fluid,” Dr. Morgentaler states.

These functions occur simultaneously in men. “Not only do some women ejaculate like men, but the fluid squirted out is biochemically similar to make semen and comes from glands lining the urethra that are essentially a female equivalent to the male prostate.”
 

There are 3.5 instances where a man can become erect.
With sex

 Masturbation

Upon awakening in the morning and the half are for the times when a man becomes hard for no apparent reason, or because he has a sexual thought. This can happen anytime day or night and usually diminishes as the man ages.
 

The only thing other than ED, illness or trauma to the genital area that cause a man not to get it up is the mind. This book is about how the mind works against erections and other factors that can cause a man to go limp. The ED medications only work with mental or physical sexual stimulation. One of the doctor’s patients was given Viagra and specific instructions to take it on an empty stomach and to do something sexual. The man took the med before he ate dinner, then went and watched a baseball game while his wife waited for him to come to bed. He went back to the doctor telling him the pills were, “junk.”

He had not followed the instructions. You would think there would be more reports of men who take Viagra being more willing to participate in foreplay since mental stimulation is required to trigger the medication to make the penis hard.

Dr. Morgentaler performs surgery on men who cannot get an erection. His primary tool for treating ED is the Penile Implant. The penis is made up of three cylinders; the two corpora cavernosa and make the penis hard. The corpus spongiosum has spongy tissue and surrounds the urethra and form the glans, head, of the penis. This instrument is placed within the corpora cavernosa (the two paired chambers of the penis responsible for erection). There is Reservoir filled with a saline that is placed in the pelvis behind the pubic bone. The pump is placed in the scrotum. The man feels like he has three balls. When the man wants to have sex, he simply pumps, pumps, pumps it up to his desired hardness. The device is deflated by pressing a button on the pump. Needless to say, this is the most popular treatment for ED in men who cannot use medications and prefer not to shoot themselves in the penis with a hardening solution each time he wants to have sex.

Low-T

Dr. Morgentaler is one of the pioneers who discovered that men go through a similar experience as women in middle age and for now, has termed it male menopause. Low testosterone can cause men not to be interested in sex, feeling lifeless, irritable and as many stated, “Just not myself.”

The doctor prescribes shots, pellets in the buttocks or creams and gels that the man must use over a period of time. The results have been a revitalization in many men who had believed they lost their edge.

One of the funniest stories was about a father who came to see the doctor about his adult son who was 25 years old. The father proclaimed something was wrong with him because he didn’t date and basically refused to do anything. As it turned out, the young man had a bad sexual experience with the second girl he had sex with. She made a remark about his penis. He took it to heart and didn’t have sex again for over 3 years. When he went to see the doctor, not only was nothing wrong with him, he had a bigger than average penis.

You gotta read the book to get the full effect. A great read.

Gabrielle Union is Dumb and Stupid

If it is true, the stuff I read she said in an interview with Glamour Magazine; Gabrielle Union is dumb and stupid.

She takes full responsibility for Dwayne Wade sticking his raw penis into another woman and impregnating her. She claims due to her busy schedule and self-centered ways, she was unable to properly service him, therefore, he took a momentary break and broke old girl off another offspring.

Wow! Yeah, she is self-centered. I would dare say you almost have to be to be an actress. Yet, you do have a self. There should be a part of you that is not in the act. She is acting and it is bad acting. She is acting like a woman in control of her man, when in reality the man is controlling her every move and desire. She plucked this boy from his wife who was probably more suited to helping come into his manhood, only to end up looking like a damn fool ten years later.

Now, she has the audacity, at the height of her career, while she is crowned the Bell of the the Black Girls Ball; to spout such self-hate to a reporter of a major majority-read national magazine. What in the hell is wrong with her?

It is the same old issue. Oh yeah, hers has definitely turned into an issuation. She is going to have to do some intensive therapeutic sessions to work through the mounds of self-hate she has accumulated. I wish I could say I have sympathy for her. I do not.

This woman is 10 years older than Dwayne. Now 41, she plucked him at 21 cause she boasting about being together 10 years. Anyway, whatever, are you crazy, kiss my ass. Girl, you dumb and stupid.

In The Image of Him

Both the fathers of my children are in nursing homes. Well, one should be, but is too self-loathing to stay. His mind has not accepted that he has no legs, no real useful use of his hands, little strength in his arms.

The first is the father of my oldest daughter. I went crazy over him the moment I laid eyes on him. I tell the story in my autobiography, "Telling the Truth and Shaming the Devil."

He knocked on the side door. I looked out and saw the most gorgeous little man I had ever seen. He only stood 5'1", but boy his skin glowed and his eyes shown the innocence that was at his core.

"I am here to see Pam." He said boldly.

Just as bold with a tad more audaciousness, I said, "She told me about you. She don't like you. I am the one you need. You are beautiful. Look at your eyelashes. Are those real? Your skin is like gold. What's your name?"

The end.

He was mine for the time he wanted to be mine. I moved in with him and he began to feel like "a married man."

We had our baby boy moment and parted ways. I never looked back to this day. Now, his body represents what his mind experienced. Trauma and fear. Disconnect from the norm and loneliness.

The father of my two youngest children is suffering from an unbelievable amounts of illnesses. He was genetically predisposed to many of them, but his lifestyle was the real culprit. He ain't what he wanted, as much as he wanted. He had is liquor and beer. He had his smoke  and coke. He did his thang.
He excited me. He made me want to fly and I did for a long time. I got to do everything I wanted to because of his pseudo-support. I am a true testament to "You can't keep a good woman down." I made the best of every minute he gave me.

It was a "potential" thing with me. He is as smart as a whip and a master of disguise and innuendo. He would consistently try to outwit me after having done so once are twice. Those times I knew deep down; I was just lying to myself.

I saw all the things he could have done, while he just kept encouraging me to do more. Now, he is running from the life he so cleverly created. He's pissed because he is the forgotten one, the one no one can stomach for too long. Bitter and self-pitying; I barely recognize the man that was never there.

To both of them, I pray for God's will. I do not regret giving my all to either one of them. They both know they were loved and well taken care of on my watch.

Them brothers have some serious issuations.

Why Black Women Are Not Marriage: Part One

There will be a lot of women mad at me by the end of this piece; especially black women. I will risk the anger to tell the truth. Simply put, many women, but particularly black women are not marriageable.

 Marry, as with many words, has several meanings listed in the dictionary. According the American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, definition number two reads: “To combine or blend agreeably.”

Agreeably, agreeable, agree, if I am to be honest most black women I know have the tendency to be disagreeable on some level. When it comes to whether a man is going to choose you or not, and he doesn’t, it very well may be because you display signs of being disagreeable.

Agree -- To grant consent; accede. 2. To come into or be in accord, as of opinion. 3. To be of one opinion; concur. 4. To come to an understanding or to terms.

Wow! Be honest. How close do you come to being agreeable with anyone throughout your day? How often do you agree with yourself? We contradict ourselves all the time. Women gripe about the phrase, “Boys will be boys.” But we have one just as bad, “It is a woman’s prerogative to change her mind.” This statement was undoubtedly born out of some man’s frustration to understand the fickle nature of his woman.

Dr. Boyce Watkins, publisher of the website www.thegrio.com, wrote an article Single Black Women Should End the Blame Game. He wrote: “We know the story: over 70% of all African-American women don’t have husbands. That is a tragedy for the entire family, especially the children. “

It truly is a tragedy and one that can be turned around with some sisters accepting this wake-up call. Most people can’t see themselves. In a lot of ways black women have been given a huge pass both historically and presently. We have always been allowed to work, whereas black men have been kept out of the workforce one way or the other. This factor alone is enough to cause friction in a marriage, but an enlightened couple could overcome the obstacles of social castration. This will not happen if they cannot come to an understanding.

This “pass” I mentioned earlier that black women have been given has served to create a group of women who taunt men with the phrase, “I can do bad all by myself.” They sing it like an anthem all day, then cry to their friend, family, or in their pillows because they cannot find a man willing to marry them.  

It is not that we roll our necks, or yell sometimes, or how much money we spend, etc. that keeps us single, it truly is our seemingly inability to learn to at the least agree to disagree. Most often many women seek to have “their way.” Oh, yeah, you believe you are right and you know what? Being a women I to dare say we are right a lot. Even if you are right 50% of the time, there is still another 50%. What many women do is ignore the possibility their opinion falls within the 50% that is wrong. They want to be right at all cost; even if it means not having a father for their children, sleeping alone, paying all the bills, doing all the laundry, cooking all the food, going to all the conferences, and so on.

These are the superwomen who die from heartache disguised as heart disease. They become bitter and live their lives blaming the lack of a man for their unproductive lives, when in reality it was because they did not learn how to become agreeable, that they were unmarriageable.

I know black men do not understand why they have a hard time with us. They have seen these superwomen do things they could never imagine, yet, they still have a sense that something is amiss. Even though they love their superwomen grandmothers and mothers, they may shy away from women who display their qualities, especially if they are the type who believe their opinion is always right and they know what is best for everyone they come in contact with.

The fact these women are this way with everyone sometimes gives the impression they are being authentic. It is just the opposite. These women are often scattered, unable to finish projects, fatigued, lonely and angry. Because they cannot agree with anyone’s opinion except their own, they find themselves isolated, not only from potential husbands, but family members and others. Show me a superwoman and I’ll show you a Lone Ranger. They might seemingly be there to save the day, but not really because whoever they help better be ready to do it their way, or they just may not receive help, or wish they didn’t because they’ll have to hear about it forever.

Dr. Watkins continues: “I’m sorry if this hurts your feelings, but I’ve got to be real. Most kind, attractive, intelligent women are able to find good husbands. Some of us spend our lives either barking up the wrong trees or barking in a way that sabotages our objectives.”

He is right. For many of us, our bark is just a preview of our bite. Some of us can be harsh, and yes, if you want to stay in the natural, you do have a lot of reasons to be angry. Just with the daily pressures of being a black woman, you can justify your anger, but as a human being, a Christian as many of you are, you do not have the right to bulldoze others with your opinions, wants, needs, and desires.

Most of the women who are not marriage material have been through numerous failed relationships. They may have actually started out “kind, attractive, intelligent women,” but let their poor choice of men make them bitter and resentful. Some of them torture their children, who God help them, “Look just like your daddy.” Some turn to drink, or drugs, or continue the downward spiral of wrong man, wrong time.

Then there are the women who have never really allowed themselves to love another fully. They want relationships and will try to get next to love without getting involved. They can be committed, but will never fully commit. These are the women who usually have the good jobs, and money. They are guarding their things, while pretending to be guarding their hearts.

We all know the woman who wants her man to have everything. She will brag and boast to her friends how she had to buy him this, that and the other because he didn’t have anything. She’ll show him the world, introduce him to all the right people, and most likely is just what he wants in bed. But when it comes to him having his own life, he is cut short, and if he doesn’t tow the line, cut off. She’ll cry to her friends how he took advantage of her and she had to put him out because he wasn’t right. When in reality, he probably wanted to go a game with his buddies and she didn’t want him to go. He went anyway and she took that as complete rejection. These women are scary.

And of course, no about black women would be complete without talking about the battered wife. Although the syndrome is real, and it usually has its roots in the woman’s childhood, there still is an aspect of the battered woman’s personality that people just can’t seem to grasp. People always ask, “Why do they stay?” For some they stay because they really think they can control the man. Many of these women started out as dominate in the relationship, or so they man let them believe, then one day she wanted to do for someone other than him, and he snaps. You see this with couples who dated in high school and married young.

It is out of arrogance and egotism of the worse kind when a woman feels she is the only one who understands or can care for a man, especially when he is beating you daily. In the worse twisted way, many of these women really feel they understand these guys. The man only plays on the woman’s desire to be superwoman. Whereas some superwomen are super angry, some are super passive, but have learned to use their passive natures in a way that is unhealthy for them. These women choose men who continue to fulfill their desire to be the martyr of the family. They are the ones who take on all the burden and pain. They will say, “I just wanted us to be a family. I know he really loves me and the kids.”

The black woman’s seemingly inability to learn to agree to disagree will keep her single and unhappy.    

This Thang They Call Love

I am at a point in my life where I have to once again, choose to love. Yes, right off the bat I know and you know that there will be issues. What I have learned is issues arise. What I know I will do when they do; is meet them head on.

Our lives would be so much easier to navigate if we would be the adults we are designed to be and just deal with issues as they arise. You spend twice as much time redoing when doing it right the first time is most effective and efficient.

This thang we call love is nothing more than us desiring to fulfill or natural mandate. It is our insertion of our will that causes us to lose sight of God's will for us. Oh, when you let love be. When you allow it to use you, you come close, oh so close to heaven. Yes, I will love again. I will do so because I am love and that is what it is.

I have stopped all my magical thinking. I have chosen to become an explorer of human nature, especially my own. I refuse to let any issue in my life turn into a situation. Issuations are made from messy lives. You have to clean up the mess you make in your life. You cannot expect to be lovable when you know you are messy. Yes, they will find out. They always do.

Yeah, I'd be scared of the this thang called love if I was anywhere near the woman I was 15 years ago. I have done the work and now it is time for me to give myself permission to be loved.

What's So Great About You?

I never understood the belief that to have a good relationship you had to have mostly everything in common with the person you are with. The adventurer in me cannot accept the already known. I want to explore someone who I do not recognize. I want to discover their dreams and desires and help them cultivate them.

To those who are seeking themselves in others, I ask you, "What's so great about you to the degree you want to be with someone just like you?"

I am one of the most uninteresting people I know when I am in my element. I can be very moody and distant, especially when I am working or thinking. Most of my hobbies are solitary ones. I enjoy my company immensely, but I do recognize how someone could see me as boring. This is one of the major reasons I want someones who stimulates parts of me that I let lay dormant. Not that they do not exist, it is just easy for me to resist their call. Having someone like me would insure we probably wouldn't do much and that's get old real quick.

Yet, you see all the time folk praying to find someone who thinks like them, listens to the same music they do, etc., etc., and so on and so on. I believe deeply the moment we decided we want to share who we are with another and discover who they are; our relationships will be more satisfying.

So, the next time you sit down to make a list about what you want in a person. Write one about what makes you worthy of another person. List the qualities worthy of sharing. Describe the ways of love you plan to practice. Ponder the acts of service you can perform. But, most of all seek God's will.

Magical Thinking

At any time we compare what we want in real life to a fairy tale, the is magical thinking. When we expect to get everything we need from our marital life, that is magical thinking. When we think our spouse should be able to read our minds, that is dangerous magical thinking. When we think our kids are perfect, just cause they are our kids, that is delusional magical thinking.

Magical thinking is when you make up scenarios that are not based in reality. Unfortunately, most of what constitute our lives is based on stuff we have read in books, saw on TV or grew up with. Very seldom are their people who try to discover alternative avenues for rearing their family they are stuck on the romance model of love and it is destroying our families. What is so ironic about this is that these people profess to be Christians whose mandate is to love unconditionally. We all know that romance has a multitude of conditions.

There may come a time when you are faced with reality and you will not be able to magically think your way out of or into a situation. Examples of being faced with reality: Spouse walking out and you feeling like you a were unaware of even the possibility it could happen. Children leaving home or acting out. Friends taking more liberties by bring up the faults with your current situation.

For most people, magical thinking is an issue that starts early in life as many of us, especially girls are for feed fairy lies from the moment we show interest in reading. Magical thinking is everywhere and in shows up in every aspect of life. Acceptance of what is, is the only cure to magical thinking. A true desire and willing not to lie to oneself is the only thing that will stop it in it's tracks.

Right now, it might just be an issue for some, but let that issue turn into a situation, then you are left with an issuation to undo. Examine the areas of your life where you may be lying to yourself. Go ahead, oftentimes others already see it before you do.